If Only

Each morning I dry my pillows in the sun.

If only the moon and the stars can dry my tears,

no longer will I dry my pillows in the sun.

If only the moon and the stars can make my heart alive,

no longer will I cave in the darkness of night.

If only the moon and the stars can make me numb,

no longer will I hide in the bushes of love.

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Never Love A Writer

Never date a writer for she will always remember all the things you did and did not do. She will also remind you of the things you should have done.  She might subtly convey the ideal man you never were. She will not ask you to be one, but she will always let you feel how much she wanted such a man. She will always remember how her heart almost jumped when you asked her on your first date. She will excite you with age-old books, great books murdered into movies, and heartfelt songs more than your next date. She will bore you with detailed narratives of what went wrong with her day and how her hope sank because of it.

She will laugh with you at your stupidest times, but she would love you just the same. She will never forget that first time you held her hand. All you’ve been through is shelved in her mind and carefully written on her notes. She will have her books. And her constant companion — notebooks with doodles of a funny version of you and your name beside hers. Random thoughts about you are carefully written on the margins of her books. Her hands will always be filled with blots of ink not nail polish and posh accessories. She might not have time to put on make-up just to be on time for a meeting because she has been engrossed into a literary masterpiece or some writing madness. She might even skip classes for it. But will always cope up. Her eyes will always be carrying those two bags. Yes, those two scary bags under her lovely eyes. Because she always gives liberty to her thoughts and emotions even if it’s already two in the morning.

She will always listen to your stories even if she finds it uninteresting. She will fake a smile and force herself to nod even if she wants to interrupt you and divert the topic. She will look at you in the eyes as if telling you that you are the handsomest man, but what truly occupies her thought was your wrong grammar spoken a minute ago. She will ask you to sit with her, not to be intimate but to explore the feeling of being close to someone so she could write about it. She will always remember how you leaned your face to hers, how you held her back, touched her lips, and felt the rush in heart. She will write a poem for you when she feels like, especially when you make her feel so loved, but more often when she’s down, miserable and vulnerable. She would always be thrilled to experience new things. It may be with you or without you.

She will fondly remember how you held her hand and awkwardly swayed into the music on your first dance. The way you look into her eyes is embedded in her memory. She will always recall how uneasy you were. She will always have that picture of you looking and admiring her from afar –how you can’t take your eyes off her. And on how you were mesmerized by her beauty on that white dress.

Never fall in love with a writer for you will never be the one thing in her mind. You see, she is enchanted by her thoughts, what comes into it, with hundreds of themes circling her brain, what literature to read, what to write, how to write, how to constantly combat the peculiarities of writing and living life. You might not just try to fall in love.

Take my heed, reader. Even if you fight, she will always be inspired. Her books are her constant companion. If she’s in the mood, she will write about what you argued. Or who knows she might even post it on her blog. Even if you don’t see often she will always suit herself in reading Tolkien, Garcia-Marquez, Neruda, Poe, O’Hara, Shakespeare or Austen. Even if you can’t help but flirt with other women, she will not nag you for doing so. Know that she is good at concealing her emotions and sealing her lips. She will always try to understand, but she will never tolerate.

Never love a writer for you might end up hurting yourself. She might have had imagined your engagement and wedding day. She might have led her mind on your vacation trips. She might have written chapters of your life together. She might have foreseen the two of you getting old. She might have envisioned you dying before her and overcoming loneliness. She might have, but that is all. For she will always be preoccupied of endless possibilities in the world, with or without you.

Never love a writer, lest she loves you more than her books, rich imaginations, impeccable skills, and passion. Never love a writer lest she tells you she is willing to spend the remaining half of her life with you. Never love a writer lest you know that deep within her heart, there is YOU.

But never fall out of love for her when you have at least one reason to love her . . . forever.

Five Friendly Pre-Marriage Advice from A Thrift Shop Owner

After my three straight classes today, I went into a thrift shop to buy some blouses. I don’t mind having secondhand clothes, as long as it fits me and my style. The owner, whom I knew through my mother, greeted me with a smile and surprise. She was wondering what am I doing here. I told her that I’ve been back since June. While I was looking at the clothes, she kept on talking. She told me that it is better for me to stay with my parents so I can save money. I nod and smiled. After some time someone she knew came in and the two of them chatted for a bit. I was relieved. Now I can focus on what I went there for.

As I was picking up a shirt, she asked me this question: Aren’t you planning on getting married? I was stunned. But I laughed and said, “I have no plans yet. Maybe next year.” At the back of my mind, I didn’t speak of the whole truth. My boyfriend and I have plans, of course. Then again, I am not totally comfortable at talking about my personal life. 😉

She said, “That is good, it’s better if you enjoy being single first. You are still young. Nowadays it is hard to find a good man who has a stable job and without vices. It is also important to choose someone is of the same religion as yours, and someone who won’t hurt you, right?” I nodded. I was listening to her with admiration. She has wisdom and joy as she speaks. I’ve never encountered a woman whom I barely knew speak to me like that until now. I guess it’s a divine set-up. After paying, she recalled her love story with her husband. (And that could be another post!)

Her words echoed in my mind. I felt like it was a perfect timing for me to hear. And here are my reflections that I would like to share with you.

1. ENJOY SINGLEHOOD

As I reflect on it. She’s right. It is important to enjoy this phase in my life — singleness. Because once I am married, there is no turning back. I know my life would completely change. My priorities will be altered. Instead of thinking about my family, my church, and my self alone, I will have a husband and a future family to put above all else (except for God of course). Moreover, there is a huge possibility of losing my career. Merely thinking about it, hurts. I only turned 24 last month and I wanted to grow more, I want to explore what I can do — my potentials. Then again, I am asking God to teach me how to let go of it when the time comes.

For now, it is needless to say that my life should be solely devoted unto HIM. That is I believe what matters most, whether single or not, our lives must be knitted unto God.

2. FIND A MAN WITH A STABLE JOB 

Everyone I know would agree to this. It is imperative for someone to be have financial stability to provide for his family. In fact, this was emphasised in the book of 1 Timothy 5:8, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”

Each man, before thinking of getting married or even before pursuing  woman must therefore must be responsible enough to get a job, business, or any profession so as to prepare him for his future family. After all he is not only building a house for himself, but a home for the Lord.

3. FIND A GOOD HUSBAND WITHOUT VICES

This one is significant. I know she is talking about drinking, smoking, gambling, and womanizing.  Still, there is more to it. Vices can be larger than this. Men were created to take dominion of the earth, for leadership. Their lives are supposed to be on the right track not only for themselves, but more importantly for their family so they can give glory to God. If men would be enslaved by these things, how then can they lead properly?

Our hearts must deeply be rooted in the Lord, in His words, so we can live out His ways. It isn’t and won’t be easy, but it is worth it. Nowadays, it is normal to see broken families, children drawn into illicit drugs, teenage pregnancies, etc. There may be many reasons for this but certainly this is not part of God’s design. His will is for families to live together in harmony and peace. His vision is a world where children are following the footsteps of Christ. And that is the responsibility of the parents.

4. CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO HAS THE SAME RELIGION/ CHURCH AS YOURS

Having a partner who shares the same spiritual belief, values, and convictions as yours is very important. It is written in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

This is crucial. And women and men, we got to get this right. Obedience is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). There are non-negotiable qualities when it comes to marrying and this should be one of them. As someone said, it is better to not marry than to marry and suffer for the rest of your life. Being in a relationship is hard enough, how much more if you are in a relationship with a person who has a different religious belief as yours? In the future, what will your children believe in? This can pose a lot of conflict and confusion in the family. And of course, we don’t want that to happen. That is why, I’m saying it again: Obedience is better than sacrifice.

5. FIND SOMEONE WHO WOULD NOT HURT YOU

It is so wonderful to be loved and to love. I am not a relationship expert though. I can only speak of my own experience and those around me. My relationship with my boyfriend is far from being perfect. My parents’ 25-year relationship isn’t perfect either. Even my church mates’ relationships and families have their own ups and downs. Being a Christian doesn’t exempt one from having a flawless relationship and marriage. The only certainty that I know of is Christ. He is the only one that can hold things together despite the earthquakes in each household, or that deep wound in one’s heart.

So can I/we find someone who won’t hurt us? Maybe we can find someone who is gentle and won’t even lift a finger to hurt us physically.

However, one cannot be free from being hurt emotionally. Our hearts are sensitive. Especially women who are coined as emotional beings. And we have fragile hearts lest we surrender it to God and let Him take care of it.Nonetheless, I know finding someone who loves us enough that hurting us would mean disobeying God’s word cannot be easy, but possible. That is why it is important to follow number four. Being patient enough to wait for the right man will come (if it hasn’t yet). Rushing things or going ahead of God’s plan can bring irreparable damage.

For men out there, keep this in your heart: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).” Christ gave himself for the church, for us. Thus, God is calling you to do the same. To do everything in your might to protect, provide, save, love, sacrifice, everything… for your wives.

It is surprising to be advised by a seemingly random person. That was both weird and surprising. Nevertheless, I was glad to have heard from her wisdom and input some of God’s words and principles I have learned from my mentors and friends.

P.S. Tell me of your thoughts. Can you share some advice for me or young women/men out there who are waiting or probably praying for a future partner? Hope to hear from you!

feelings

have you ever felt lost inside a poetry?

that’s what i felt when you captured my heart

i got dizzy and drowned myself in your voice

your words floated in the air like a smoke in a pot

have you ever felt lost inside someone’s head?

that’s what i felt when you held my hand

the sensation made me uncomfortably happy

it brought me to trees, hills and bliss

have you ever felt at home in a strange place?

unknowingly, that’s what you do to me

with you, i always feel home — never alone

how comforting the peace you bring

have you ever felt supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?

(whatever that word really means)

that’s what i feel this moment

diving into your hopeful smiling eyes,

i could only whisper: may this last forever

Flipped

I fall out of the clouds

Down down down

Under my skin

I jumped off a cliff

Down down down

Under my skin

I leaped into love

Up up up

Back to the sky

Forever Praise

This wonderful song brings me back to my early days with God – the times when I started truly seeking Him. It wasn’t a love at first sight kind of thing or a head over heels kind of feeling. It was more of a passionate pursuit on His part.

It was six years ago when He found me and stole my heart. I was a messed up teenage girl who only cares about herself and her self-centred dreams. I know my worth but I didn’t know my true value. I know Jesus, but I have no encounters with Him until He rescued me from myself. I decided to pursue Him as well. That decision was not meant to last for a day, a year, or a decade. IT MEANT FOREVER.

My relationship with Him have undergone all sorts of trouble. I’ve learned that love is a decision. It’s a commitment that must be translated into action. As they say, love is a verb.  I am always reminded of the time He was nailed on the cross. That was the ultimate expression of His love. Nothing beats His love. And all I can do is respond to it in total abandonment, love, and praise.

I can say that it’s always sweet to revisit that part of memory lane. 😉 I can see that childlike heart leaning in God’s loving arms . . . that innocent girl dancing with His Daddy. Such precious moments of surrender, acceptance, love and warmth were incomparable.

He had drawn me inside His heart until it became natural for me to respond to Him. It took a real while for me to fully grasp His intention. His love was too much for me. I was caught up in His relentless love and mercy. I might have lost the childlike heart in me for a while, but now is a different tune… I’m singing all out to Him — my one and only.

i am without

in solace,
heart bathes
while somewhere, somewhere
thought travels

contentment
without warmth
happiness
missing laughter

rain —
my faithful companion,
rainbows —
my constant delight

times pass
like a funeral song
at the peak of day
i embrace death

at the time of moon
i come alive
across the sea
lies my reverie

and i calm myself
and gaze and long for
the beauty of whom
i am without

A New Beginning

Life is so beautiful. Here I am in a new place surrounded by new people with an unfamiliar air. THIS is an answered prayer.

After my eight-month stint/volunteer work at our church, I am now working full-time as a college instructor. I knew I love teaching, but I never knew how tough this is until now.

It’s been two months since I started teaching. Doing the thing that I love to is not easy. There were days that I don’t feel like teaching or going to school. There were moments that I would feel low and pull myself together just to BE in the mood. I don’t know why I feel this. I guess it’s my tendency to keep myself in a comfortable spot. Or maybe I don’t like my job? Or I really don’t like to work? O.O

Each day is a humbling experience. I am learning a lot about myself. Who I am and who I am not. I discovered that the greater part of becoming a teacher is dealing with students. It’s motivating them how to think for themselves; to think beyond what the book or the world offers them. It is challenging because most of them are used on the conventional method. Some frown at me and expect me to feed them with information. I am just not like that.

I am learning how to be more patient and tender with my students especially those highschool-ish ones. I always remind myself that if Jesus was able to love his stubborn disciples, I believe that I could love my students too. After all, I have a secret mission. 😉

So, where could this new path lead me?

We have yet to see.

All I know, Jesus is leading me.