Forever Praise

This wonderful song brings me back to my early days with God – the times when I started truly seeking Him. It wasn’t a love at first sight kind of thing or a head over heels kind of feeling. It was more of a passionate pursuit on His part.

It was six years ago when He found me and stole my heart. I was a messed up teenage girl who only cares about herself and her self-centred dreams. I know my worth but I didn’t know my true value. I know Jesus, but I have no encounters with Him until He rescued me from myself. I decided to pursue Him as well. That decision was not meant to last for a day, a year, or a decade. IT MEANT FOREVER.

My relationship with Him have undergone all sorts of trouble. I’ve learned that love is a decision. It’s a commitment that must be translated into action. As they say, love is a verb.  I am always reminded of the time He was nailed on the cross. That was the ultimate expression of His love. Nothing beats His love. And all I can do is respond to it in total abandonment, love, and praise.

I can say that it’s always sweet to revisit that part of memory lane. 😉 I can see that childlike heart leaning in God’s loving arms . . . that innocent girl dancing with His Daddy. Such precious moments of surrender, acceptance, love and warmth were incomparable.

He had drawn me inside His heart until it became natural for me to respond to Him. It took a real while for me to fully grasp His intention. His love was too much for me. I was caught up in His relentless love and mercy. I might have lost the childlike heart in me for a while, but now is a different tune… I’m singing all out to Him — my one and only.

A New Beginning

Life is so beautiful. Here I am in a new place surrounded by new people with an unfamiliar air. THIS is an answered prayer.

After my eight-month stint/volunteer work at our church, I am now working full-time as a college instructor. I knew I love teaching, but I never knew how tough this is until now.

It’s been two months since I started teaching. Doing the thing that I love to is not easy. There were days that I don’t feel like teaching or going to school. There were moments that I would feel low and pull myself together just to BE in the mood. I don’t know why I feel this. I guess it’s my tendency to keep myself in a comfortable spot. Or maybe I don’t like my job? Or I really don’t like to work? O.O

Each day is a humbling experience. I am learning a lot about myself. Who I am and who I am not. I discovered that the greater part of becoming a teacher is dealing with students. It’s motivating them how to think for themselves; to think beyond what the book or the world offers them. It is challenging because most of them are used on the conventional method. Some frown at me and expect me to feed them with information. I am just not like that.

I am learning how to be more patient and tender with my students especially those highschool-ish ones. I always remind myself that if Jesus was able to love his stubborn disciples, I believe that I could love my students too. After all, I have a secret mission. 😉

So, where could this new path lead me?

We have yet to see.

All I know, Jesus is leading me.

The thing is…

I am so happy. It feels like I’ve soaked in all the love this world could contain.

I am joyful beyond comprehension and doubt.

And that’s what keeps me from writing. I’m stupefied in this realm called ‘heavenly bliss’. I don’t know when I shall recover.

But hey, I will write soon. I will come back to you, first love.

Without Pretense and Spectacles

To kiss the night sky bursting with stars,

To see the dreamer awaken from sleep,

To deem this life without weep,

To celebrate birth with pure tears,

To read stories in deafening silence,

To tell them with so much enthusiasm,

To see a blinding light,

To be guided by a flickering lamp,

To walk in haste,

To doze without care,

 

To love,

To consummate love,

To enjoy life,

To sink in sorrow,

To pursue a dream,

To build a career,

To create a family,

To grow old,

To die

And live again. 

 

All. Everything . . .  without pretense and spectacles, these  

                                               bits and pieces of irony make up a whole life,

                                                                            or perhaps death.

Last Wish

I want to walk with you
Not the kind of ordinary walks made by ordinary people
Let us walk when the moon is still up
The stars still bright, like every four in the morning
When everyone’s still lying in bed

I want to walk with you
Not on ordinary pavements or at some crowded park
Where ordinary people come and go
Let us go and stroll at some strange island
Overlooking unknown horizon, against sharp winds

I want to walk with you, I really do
To hear your heart beat next to mine
To feel our hands dance in the rhythm of tide
To free our senses from the bars of the past
Fall on a trance we shall call romance

I want to walk with you
To see your face in the silent moonlit
To crack jokes only us understands
To seize this waking moment
We shall call ours

I want to walk with you
No one else but you
I don’t care what else we’ll do
We can let the time pass by tasting the morning dew
Or walk a mile ‘til our feet become sore

I want to walk with you
Without a care of the world,
Free from work,
Away from the city,
Quieted by the sea

I want to walk with you
Unlike ordinary walks we did for the last five years
Where we used to chase time, catch our breath,
And seize naught.

I want to walk with you
Unlike ordinary people like us
But like some crazy old friends–
Without care, drunk with laughter,
And perhaps, truly happy.

I want to walk with you, my dear
You know I really do
If we could have cheated death
And escaped time,
This last wish will surely be mine.

When?

When was the last time I felt really and deeply happy?

Was it the time when my family used to go on this public pool surrounded by rain forests and friendly strangers?

Was it when an MVP and an actual school heart throb laid eyes on me?

Was it when I bagged medals every end of the school year?

Was it when I dreamed of my first kiss?

Was it when I felt the nearness of a perfect bliss touching my virgin skin?

Was it when I let out a deep cry in my heart and felt a rush of love called heaven?

Or is it sleeping somewhere in the oblivion waiting to come alive?

 

How about your own happiness?

Unspoken Feelings

“. . . tranquillity was no more. My world had for

some years been in L-: my experience had been of its

rules and systems; now I remembered that the real world

was wide, and that a varied field of hopes and fears, of sensations

and excitements, awaited those who had courage

to go forth into its expanse, to seek real knowledge of life

amidst its perils.”

Charlotte Bronte

 

Intently watching, forever beckoning

On the time of my conception you were filled with gladness. The night I was born you shook the heavens in celebration. The moment I made my first few tiny steps you had a sheer smile on your face. When I said my first words, you’re listening. Every time I sleep you are beside me. When I dream, you dream with me. I wake up in the morning seeing your radiant light and glory. In my every breath you are there to breathe back.

You made every second to be with me.

You are the beat of my heart

The air that I breathe

Perfume to my soul

The trail in my journey

The colors of a gloomy weather

The clouds in sunny days

The dew in my morning

You are the beauty in everything

You have filled me with gladness. In every success and achievement I had you were there to celebrate.

Now, I am not just taking few tiny steps. I am starting to take few big steps to my journey. The wings you gave me are beginning to take a few flights to where I should be. The feet you gave me will soon take a leap out of the sand where I used to play. The heart you bestowed me will begin to sweep every fiber in me. The eyes you placed in me will soon shed tears of ambiguity and melancholia. But I will always allow myself to be overwhelmed only  with your affection. And I will always be aware of your eyes; intently watching, forever beckoning.

#031412

Untold Story of A Slightly Pathetic Suicidal Storyteller

I’m sitting on the sand looking at the horizon. My eyes are fixed as the sea begins to engulf the sun. Sometimes, it hides on the mountains. But tonight, it was drowned by the sea. The ball of fire once seat afloat far above the clouds is now under the sea, deep into the ocean. Will the fishes burn? What will happen to them? Will the fire flee from the sun?

Silly questions. Crazy imaginations.

Sometimes I feel like drowning myself into the sea or loosing myself under the sun. I have this urge to let go of myself and just disappear. Yes, disappear. I want to feel invisible, become invisible. Like the sun, I wanted to drown in the sea or hide in the mountains. In my heart, the need to lose myself and become invisible is screaming louder. From a gentle whisper to a fierce scream. Annoying yet invigorating. I feel that my soul has emerged from trying to become socially desirable into someone who wanted to be free of everything society has given. I feel like my identity was handed-down, inculcated, and dictated to me. I feel like a second-hand identity. I don’t know who I am and what I am capable of without this freaking and impossibly all-knowing society. The way I think was shaped and still being shaped by the society I live in and by the people around me.  My own spirituality has been from nothing into an extreme  supernatural intertwine of other-worldly events that you cannot or may not understand.

This whirlwind life has taken me afloat. I’m tired and will be severely tired soon. When can I find total satisfaction and pure joy? If I am to choose, I’d rather die today than experience hardship and inevitable pain. It’s not about courage or faith, but a matter of heart. I am restless. I know what will happen soon and even in the far future. If possible,I would gladly die this instant then ascend into heaven. That is what I want. I don’t want to be part of this world anymore. I just want to rest and be relieved from all the bullshit and fake happiness in this mess up world.

I’m still sitting on the same spot but my visions go far beyond what I saw earlier. Now, I am seeing myself standing above the sea. I don’t know how to swim and survive in the sea, but I know how to float. If I am to drown any time, I think I won’t survive long enough to be saved. Then again, I’d rather die.

If there is one thing I truly learned these past months, that is “It is always easy to give up and let go,  but that is not an option.” The thing is, I can do better than simply giving up and crying over the hardship I am in to. To be honest, such realization has not been easy for me. I’ve tried to kill myself. Only in my thoughts of course. I once jumped on a 20 foot bridge, but I find it gross. If I would jump, I would be graciously received by large stones sleeping on the dry river bed. I also planned hanging myself on the ceiling. However, I cannot find any strong knot inside the house. And I dreaded the idea of scaring my roommate once she found me pale, hanging, and lifeless. Thus, I decided not to kill myself.

However, the thought of killing myself lingered on my mind for weeks. Sometimes, I would be able to fight against it but there were moments that the urge becomes so strong and I would give in to it. But I won. I’m still alive and breathing.  Still, “I am half agony, half hope”.

Fin.