I’m sitting on the sand looking at the horizon. My eyes are fixed as the sea begins to engulf the sun. Sometimes, it hides on the mountains. But tonight, it was drowned by the sea. The ball of fire once seat afloat far above the clouds is now under the sea, deep into the ocean. Will the fishes burn? What will happen to them? Will the fire flee from the sun?
Silly questions. Crazy imaginations.
Sometimes I feel like drowning myself into the sea or loosing myself under the sun. I have this urge to let go of myself and just disappear. Yes, disappear. I want to feel invisible, become invisible. Like the sun, I wanted to drown in the sea or hide in the mountains. In my heart, the need to lose myself and become invisible is screaming louder. From a gentle whisper to a fierce scream. Annoying yet invigorating. I feel that my soul has emerged from trying to become socially desirable into someone who wanted to be free of everything society has given. I feel like my identity was handed-down, inculcated, and dictated to me. I feel like a second-hand identity. I don’t know who I am and what I am capable of without this freaking and impossibly all-knowing society. The way I think was shaped and still being shaped by the society I live in and by the people around me. My own spirituality has been from nothing into an extreme supernatural intertwine of other-worldly events that you cannot or may not understand.
This whirlwind life has taken me afloat. I’m tired and will be severely tired soon. When can I find total satisfaction and pure joy? If I am to choose, I’d rather die today than experience hardship and inevitable pain. It’s not about courage or faith, but a matter of heart. I am restless. I know what will happen soon and even in the far future. If possible,I would gladly die this instant then ascend into heaven. That is what I want. I don’t want to be part of this world anymore. I just want to rest and be relieved from all the bullshit and fake happiness in this mess up world.
I’m still sitting on the same spot but my visions go far beyond what I saw earlier. Now, I am seeing myself standing above the sea. I don’t know how to swim and survive in the sea, but I know how to float. If I am to drown any time, I think I won’t survive long enough to be saved. Then again, I’d rather die.
If there is one thing I truly learned these past months, that is “It is always easy to give up and let go, but that is not an option.” The thing is, I can do better than simply giving up and crying over the hardship I am in to. To be honest, such realization has not been easy for me. I’ve tried to kill myself. Only in my thoughts of course. I once jumped on a 20 foot bridge, but I find it gross. If I would jump, I would be graciously received by large stones sleeping on the dry river bed. I also planned hanging myself on the ceiling. However, I cannot find any strong knot inside the house. And I dreaded the idea of scaring my roommate once she found me pale, hanging, and lifeless. Thus, I decided not to kill myself.
However, the thought of killing myself lingered on my mind for weeks. Sometimes, I would be able to fight against it but there were moments that the urge becomes so strong and I would give in to it. But I won. I’m still alive and breathing. Still, “I am half agony, half hope”.